Monday, February 11, 2008

What comes out of my navel...

I am sitting here sequestered in the office, staring at my navel while Jason is vacuuming drywall dust from the rest of the house. No seriously. I'm waiting for the kid to kick and thinking about how things look different....way different. So here are a few of the thoughts that come out of staring at my navel.....I bet you were thinking that this post would be about lint, but ladies don't get lint in their navels, they get inspiration.

And to those of you (you know who you are) who are wondering why I am not helping my beloved husband, it is because I am trying to avoid having yet another bad asthma flare because the next one would probably end up with my on prednisone (an oral steroid). We are trying to avoid prednisone because then my gestational diabetes would probably go out of control to where I would have to use insulin, which is another whole level of pregnancy risk and we just don't want to go there.

Suffice to say, life has been a bit challenging lately. Last week was a series of events beginning with a head cold, the start (and today finish) of the drywall phase of reconstruction, asthma (from the construction dust combined with pregnancy) that wouldn't respond to my meds and landed us in the ever-fun realm of late-night health care, and a nasty tangle with some sort of GI bug that had me laid up for almost two days...that is after they ruled out pre-term labor and uterine infection.

Did I say that pregnancy is fun?


Just checking.

Cause if I did, then I was having a major case of preggo-brain....and I mean major.

On the upside, the highlight of the week was that I had a fabulous baby shower given for me by my wonderful friend Jodie who has been a major source of joy, encouragement, fun, and inspiration in my life. She is sensitive to the needs of others, gracious, and a fantastic mom. I feel like I learn so much about parenting and womanhood when I am around her...of course, she's probably turning very pink about now and feeling shy of the limelight, but I can't resist praising her beautiful character. Thank you, Jode.

My shower was on Sunday afternoon and Jason's parents were coming up in the morning to visit so that his Mom could go to the shower with me (it was a lot of fun to hang out with them and show off the changing landscapes of our house and my belly). Before they came, though, we had a couple errands to do. So in the process of erranding ( I won't bore you with the details, as I am wont to do), I realized that it was the day for my baby shower. Not someone else's shower, but MINE.

(Here's where I take off my glasses as my eyes mist up)

Our baby is about to arrive. We will hold her and care for her and love her always. But you know, I loved her before I ever knew anything about her. I loved the thought of her years ago when I kept asking Jason if the timing was right for a baby in our lives. I loved her when we finally started trying to conceive over two years ago. I loved her through months of frustration and disappointment. I loved her when we went on the first fertility drug. I loved her when we miscarried our first pregnancy. I loved her through the grieving process that came after the miscarriage, and I will always love the child that we never knew. I loved her when we added the second fertility drug. I loved her that Saturday morning when I peed on that stick and saw the faint second line that was the beginning of knowing her. I loved her when I peed on a second stick on Sunday just to make know how it can never be too sure before getting crazy excited....

She has caused us a few scares already. Taxed my body and our marriage. Caused pain, suffering, and worry, but I still love her and can't wait to meet her. Kind of makes you think about the amazing love of our heavenly Father, doesn't it? How He loves us across time and space, even when we are not capable (or willing) to return His love.

But on Sunday, I was busy wondering who am I that I should have an amazing husband of almost six years who oddly enough, chose me to spend his life with. And here we are just a few scant weeks from holding our long-awaited, oft anticipated, but never overrated baby. I feel like I have just been slogging through a difficult pregnancy (though I don't think pregnancy is totally easy for any woman) with all the months of sickness and additional challenges, but the shower prompted me to suddenly look up and see the veritable light at the end of the tunnel. Our remodel isn't done, the nursery is packed full of furniture and stuff that belongs in the rest of the house, we still have painting and flooring to do before furnishing and moving stuff back into the space and starting to right our topsy-turvy world. I still don't feel great a good portion of the time, but you know, it doesn't really matter....I'm gonna have a baby.

So I sit here staring at my navel, wondering who that is inside. Knowing that rough times, a lot of adjustment, a lot of sleep deprivation, and joy are ahead. My world never being the same again.

I am stepping off a precipice that I can in no way ever truly prepare for, and I can hardly wait.


The Toms said...

your writing is beautiful and captures what the majority of new mothers think we they stare at their bellies. I'm so happy for you guys, being a parent has been the most rewarding gift I've expeierenced in my life thus far. I'm bummed I missed your shower, they are always fun and I'm sure yours was great. And I couldn't agree more with your praise for a little lady named Jodie, she is quite the woman and truly a great friend!

Anonymous said...

You're the bomb, kid. Love you so much, and am excited to meet Cora...she's a VERY blessed little girl.

Krista said...

You had me laughing and then almost crying. You definitely have a new life ahead of you (and I don't mean just the little one! ;)

(is the name common knowledge now?)

call me when you have time!

Anonymous said...

I'm really looking forward to holding, cuddling, welcoming, and yes, "spoiling" Cora when she arrives. Having a grandchild is certainly one of the benefits of growing older!

Nate & Amy said...

Thanks for the heartfelt writing. We're so excited for you guys! Love you!

j.yue said...

well. thanks for the props amber...and tiff. you two are pretty special ladies too. this was a great read. this stage in life is so amazing to me. i was never someone who was dying to be a mom and then once i became one or once you are going to be one, you finally get all the stuff your parents said or did. good or frustrating. it is a huge responsibility and joy. and big props to our mammas i have to say. pg, nursing and then raising...sigh. it is no joke!

Misty and Matt said...

Amber- Found your blog through Jodie:) Love it! wish I could have been at your shower- I have a gift waiting for your little girl! Hope to connect with you very soon.